本帖最后由 清露 于 2010-3-14 12:31 编辑
类似出题造句形式的53个超短篇，实在是笑死了。不过估计只有腐女才看得明白。。。。
CP 是 SS&SB ——原著中彼此厌恶，但奈何腐女的力量是无穷地而迫不得已常常被安排在一起的一对。背景知识：教授总是腹黑，小天狼星总是被控。呃，也有例外。。。
Fifty-three Stories About Snape and Black
by Amanuensis
Summary: A parody written for the Intimate Enemies (Snape/Black) FQF, consisting of all 53 challenges, answered.
Pairings: mostly Snape/Black (how odd!)
Categories: Humor, Parody
1. Severus' cover as a spy is blown. How does Sirius react to the proof that Severus really is one of the good guys? (Jean Tarin)
Sirius: Let me see. Nope, still hate him.
THE END.
2. Sirius will do anything to make amnends for the way he treated Severus during their school days. Will Severus accept? (Jean Tarin)
Severus: Lift it a little higher, I can't see.
Sirius: Well, it IS such an awesome weapon.
Severus: Very funny, Black. Oh, there, now I see. "Snape" on the right one...
Sirius: And over here...
Severus: ..."Rules" on the left one. Well. I suppose that must have hurt.
Sirius: Oh, yeah.
Severus: Hurt very badly.
Sirius: OH, yeah.
Severus: Good.
Sirius: So, am I forgiven?
Severus: Let's discuss what you're going to tattoo on your "awesome weapon," and we'll see.
看了两次才看明白。小天狼星，我们都同情你。你就痛死去吧。
3. Harry finds out that his godfather and that "greasy old git" have a thing. How does he react? (Jean Tarin)
Sirius: Well, you see, Harry, we do have a thing. In fact, all boys and all men have a thing. It's a very treasured part of our anatomy, and we couldn't go pee-pee without it...
Severus: Merlin's tits, Black, not THAT kind of "thing."
Sirius: Oh.
4. As teenagers, Sev and Siri bury the hatchet. (Jean Tarin)
*pun about "In each other's head" discarded*
*pun about actual ground burial of actual hatchet discarded*
*aha!*
"It's rather an odd name for one's John Thomas, but who cares. Slam it into me, Severus baby."
5. Severus and Sirius are stuck in an abandoned cabin during a blizzard with only one blanket. (Tasogare)
And are found by Dumbledore the next morning, both of them frozen to death and with the shredded remains of one blanket between them. The end.
6. AU. Sirius ends up in Slytherin. (Tasogare)
and
7. AU. Severus ends up in Gryffindor. (Tasogare)
"Delicious meal, Godric. How was your Filet of Greasy Git?"
"Wonderfully rich, Salazar. And your Canine Surprise?"
8. Either Severus or Sirius gets amnesia. (Tasogare)
"You're my lover; I bottom; I wear a French maid costume, but to work, not to bed; in bed I wear moose antlers...something tells me I'm not buying this."
9. One of the pair is blinded in an accident. (Tasogare)
Sirius: My eyes, my eyes!!!
Severus: (fingers bloody spork lovingly) It was an accident.
10. Sirius is stuck in his animagus form and Severus is the only one who can help him out of it. (Tasogare)
"Puppy kibble, boy, come get it. Later, we'll get your leash and go walkies. (Looks at audience) What? I said I could help him--never said I would."
11. Sirius writes Severus a letter to apologize for EVERYTHING. (Tasogare)
"Dear Snivellus, I'm sorry that Adam and Eve ate the apple, and I'm sorry that Cain slew Abel, and I'm sorry that Lucifer rebelled and was cast out of heaven, and I'm sorry that--what do you mean, too sarcastic, Headmaster?"
12. The boys have detention together. (Tasogare)
"What are you here for?"
"Jinxed all the Hufflepuff brooms to fly backwards. You?"
"Painted Fawkes green."
"No shit?"
"No shit."
"Wanna shag?"
"Sure."
THE END. 我汗。
13. One of the pair has a strange fetish and is suprised to find that the other enjoys it as well. (Tasogare)
"You're kidding. You like the Ear Wax flavored ones TOO?"
14. Sirius finds out that Remus has been cheating on him. Severus comforts him. (Tasogare)
"I know this is a hard thing to go through, Black. May I offer some comfort?"
"Snape. It was YOUR prick in Remus's mouth."
"Your point being?"
15. AU. Albus decides that instead of living with his relatives, Harry will live with Severus and/or Sirius. (Tasogare)
Sirius: Let him stay with me, Albus. I am his godfather, after all.
Snape: Oh, yes, and that immediately makes you qualified for child-rearing. Even I could do a better job.
Sirius: That's a laugh.
Snape: You doubt me? Fine. Albus, I volunteer to raise the boy.
Sirius: The hell! Come on, Albus, give me the chance. I'll alternate days with someone, if you want.
Snape: Oh, yes, won't that be a stable home life for the child, shuffled back and forth like that.
Sirius: Wouldn't have to. Everyone raising him would live in the same house.
Snape: That's ridiculous.
Sirius: Knew you were bluffing.
Snape: Bluffing?! You flea-infested mutt! Fine! I agree!
(Dumbledore just stands there, holding baby Harry, inwardly smiling at how sneaky he can be sometimes, getting couples togethe
16. AU. Pettigrew is caught sometime before Harry's third year. (Tasogare)
"Sirius? What's for afters?"
"Well, we've got rat pie, rat cake, rat pudding, rat sorbet..."
17. AU. Despite being in the same House, Sirius and James never become friends. (Tasogare)
The boys took one look at each other and glared, and could be heard muttering, "Still the prettiest," whenever they passed each other in the hallway.
18. Post OotP - Voldemorte brings Sirius back from the dead, hoping to find a way to achive immortality. Severus has to save Sirius. (Tasogare)
Snape: Get back behind that veil, you wretched mongrel! (shoves)
Sirius: Aieeeeee...!
Harry: You enjoyed that, didn't you?
Snape (smiling): Maybe.
THE END.
19. One of the pair catches a cold and has to be nursed back to health. (Tasogare)
"Come on, let me hear you: 'May I please have the chicken noodle soup, Severus?' It just sounds so cute when you're all stuffed up like this."
"Leabe be alode, you borod."
20. Make Severus and Sirius the main characters of your favorite movie, book, or TV show. (Tasogare)
"We're trapped on a spaceship and there's a vicious slime-drooling alien stalking us and we're both going to die horrible deaths?"
"Apparently the author's favorite movie doesn't have a lot of romance."
21. A time-turner sends the pair back to the Middle Ages. (Tasogare)
"Nice going, Snivellus."
"Hanged for witchcraft, hanged for buggery. Whatever."
22. AU. Due to abandonment, an accident, or whatever, one of the pair grow up thinking that they are a Muggle. (Tasogare)
"But I don't want to go away to school!"
"You get to learn magic."
"I don't care!"
"You get to fly on a broomstick."
"I don't care!"
"You get to sleep in a room with five other boys."
"'Scuse me, I've got to pack."
23. During nighttime exploration of the castle, Severus discovers a door that leads to a tropical island. He also finds Sirius, asleep on the beach. (Tasogare)
Severus: If this were Bali Ha'i, you'd be prettier.
24. Sirius looses a bet and has to be Severus' servant for a month. (Tasogare)
"I don't mind cooking, cleaning, back massages, or even the sexual servicing. But I will not dress in a tea-towel and call myself Neebly!"
25. Bad Pun Challenge: Include at least 10 bad puns in your story. Bonus points if they're actually funny! (Jean Tarin)
"You worm, would you really try to get me in your bed? You think we're all in a fever few could resist, over you. You clever, vain bastard. Come freely and get a taste of Sirius Black, that's the song you sing, and a seed of lust is planted in your victim. I'll bet anything you'd try to seduce any man, Draco Malfoy included. You are such a whore, hound. Well, a campaign like that won't work on me. You'll rue having tried it!"
"Oh, for god's sake, Severus, I just asked you to pass the salt."
(A/N: Yes, I had my herbal open. Praise will be heaped on anyone who got all ten.)
26. Sev and Siri go skinny dipping. (Jean Tarin)
"Threesome with the giant squid! Woo-hoo!"
27. AU. One of the pair is an alcoholic/addict. The other helps. (Jean Tarin)
"Put it down, Black."
"Just this last one."
"Put it down and repeat after me, Black."
"Noooo..."
"'I control the internet porn, it does not control me.'"
(bawling) "Just one more Harry/Draco fic, pleeeeease!"
28. Sev and Siri get drunk/stoned together. (Jean Tarin)
"You're gonna kiss me now, right?"
"You got it."
"And we're gonna shag like bunnies, right?"
"Uh-huh."
"Just like every night for the past ten years of our lives."
"Sounds about right."
"Remind me why we needed to get drunk for it, then?"
"Because the butterbeer was almost at its expiration date. C'mon, give me some sloppy tongue, cutie."
29. Sev in drag. (Jean Tarin)
"It is a nightshirt. A plaid flannel nightshirt. I am not in drag."
"Yeah, whatever. Cute knees, hot stuff."
30. One of the pair has a fetish that the other cannot handle. (Jean Tarin)
Sirius: Oh, come on!
Severus: Black, you shagging Draco Malfoy on the weekends does NOT count as a fetish, you two-timing prick.
31. As boys, Sev and Siri are in a relationship. What went wrong to cause "The Shriking Shack Incident"? (Jean Tarin)
"I'm never speaking to you again!"
"But Sev, baby! Werewolf sex! I thought you'd think it was fun! C'mon, Sev, baby, forgive!"
32. Old Joke Challenge: Include at least ten old jokes in your story. (Ex. I just flew in, and boy are my arms tired!) Bonus points if anyone laughs! (Jean Tarin)
"Who was that witch I saw you with last night?"
"That was no witch, that was my hag! Ooh, I kill myself!"
"Not remotely funny. I went to a fight yesterday and a Quidditch match broke out!"
"Not even. You know why witches ride broomsticks? 'Cause vacuum cleaners are too heavy!"
"What's a vacuum cleaner?"
"I dunno. How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"You're assuming we know what a lightbulb is."
"JUST ANSWER THE RIDDLE!"
"Is that a pun about obeying the Dark Lord?"
"Severus...!"
"Okay, okay. Gryffindors don't need lightbulbs; they're always on the light side! How many Slytherins does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Slytherins don't change lightbulbs, they get house-elves to do it for them! How may Hufflepuffs does it take?"
"Don't know. They all trip over each other on the way screaming 'I'll do it!' How many Ravenclaws?"
"Only THEY know and they won't tell. Travelling salesman shows up at a farmhouse for the night. Farmer says, 'You'll have to sleep with the pigs.' Salesman says, 'Great! I'm a werewolf and I love pork!'"
"Ooh, that was awful. Why's a wizard wear red suspenders?"
"Because he's Gilderoy Lockhart, he'll wear anything! Hey, I got one more for ya. Voldemort walks into a bar with Wormtail on his shoulder. Bartender says, 'We don't serve rats in here.' Voldie says..."
"I know, I know..."
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" |
发表于 2010-3-13 13:57
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晕了晕了，哪位给我中文的，我的耐性不好，英语也不会
有中文版的吗